Project 1968

Vision

“It has been said that our liberal and socialist predecessors were plagued by vision without program, while our generation is plagued by program without vision.”

Source Note

Missed Connection

Don’t give me crap, okay? I forgot that I was supposed to meet you and when I remembered, it was too late. If you want, meet me at Nimbys at 9:30. Or you can call me tomorrow. You know where I’ll be.

Amy

How Coleman Sees Amy

Nickname: Flaming Amy
Age: She won’t tell me
Politics: Understated radical… Vocal Radical. Inconspicuous troublemaker. Or is that a philosophy?
Philosophy: There will be no boxes. No boxes to fit ideas; no boxes to put ideas.
Job: Revolution is not a job.  File papers for the revolution. Type for the revolution. Answer phones for the revolution.
Former hangout: A certain underground rag that deserved better.
Who she loves: Me. Of course.
Favorite question: "Why are you pissing me off?"
Worst character trait: Temper. Screw you Coleman!
Best looking body part: Thigh muscles. Red hair.

What she hopes for: Peace in the coming year.
Where she works now: Goes unsaid.

Weed

Are you PL? I’m asking because you’re an idiot.

Seriously Coleman, I’m taking a break. Call me when you get your head together.

All about Amy

Parts of a Conversation

Wednesday, January 17

“… we ourselves are imbued with a sense of urgency, yet the message of our society is that there is no viable alternative to the present. Beneath the reassuring tones of the politicians, beneath the common opinion that America will ‘muddle through,’ beneath the stagnation of those who have closed their minds to the future, is the pervading feeling that there simply are no alternatives, that our times have witnessed the exhaustion not only of Utopias, but of any new departures as well. Feeling the press of complexity upon the emptiness of life, people are fearful of the thought that at any moment things might be thrust out of control. They fear change itself, since change might smash whatever invisible framework seems to hold back chaos for them now.”

That’s the paragraph I had mentioned earlier. The fact is, they’re not going to consider change until they find the present absolutely unbearable. In order for the Movement, as we know it, to grow, they need to become so uncomfortable that change will be the only livable solution. Is that radical enough for you?

Just how to you suppose we make people uncomfortable, Coleman?  What are you proposing?

Source Notes and Discussion

Censored

January 19, 1968
by Amy

I’d like to tell you what I’m thinking, but it’s not a good idea because someone might read it. I could endanger other people and that wouldn’t be good.

I asked someone today if he kept a journal, for his thoughts. To keep track of his political evolution. He said it was highly unorthodox, considering how much heat is always on us. But it might also make for good literature, in another time and place. I should be careful because it could entrap me if anyone ever found it.

So I begin. Since I don’t give a shit about Coleman right now, I can tell you that I think he’s back with his funky gang again. Since I started working at the offices, I’m putting the kibosh on him for a while. That means not seeing him at the offices either.

Exhale

January 20
by Amy

There’s an editorial from this morning’s New York Times. I have no opinion of the Times, other than the fact that it exists. Some people swear by the Times like they swear by Uncle Walter. The Times is not a radical paper, it’s a pansy-ass liberal piece of shit. It puts people to sleep and it keeps them asleep. The last part is the most unfortunate.

That said, their editorial about Eartha Kitt is downright forthright. Eartha, poor Eartha went to the lunch at the White House where a bunch of white women in the White House gathered to eat lunch. And Eartha didn’t want to hear them talk about wild flowers and what to do about wild children. Eartha told them that it was their wars that white people in the White House make that are creating wild children and turning wild children into flower children because white people in the White House can’t stop making war.

The Times says, and I quote: “White people have not experienced the hurts and humiliations at the hands of whites that linger in the heritage of hundreds of millions of people of color around the world.”

The fact is, America might have the ability to change the world. But the people don’t want to be changed.

Armor

January 21
by Amy

I’ve never done anything that would cause my parents to be ashamed. My father doesn’t agree with everything I’ve done, but he also understands the nature of politics and society. He’s taught me well, I think. No, I know he has. My father is good American, especially because he made me think for myself. I know, sometimes, that he is disappointed when he thinks I’ve been conned. But I don’t regret anything I’ve done. I don’t regret my past.

***
In Los Angeles, they’re buying tear gas grenades and something called “banana peel gas.” When used, banana peel gas makes the streets slippery so we won’t be able to walk down the streets. Of course, the cops won’t be able to talk down the streets either. Maybe they have special shoes for that.

This is just a rumor, but I’ve heard that they might have something called vomit gas, created by a smell so repulsive that we’d all start throwing up. No demonstrating if we’re regurgitating. I know a few people who suffer from tear gas toss. They start retching at the smell of gas. I don’t think it’s due to the gas so much as it’s nerves. The details don’t matter. The result is still the same.

Source Notes: (Dr.) Strange(love) Weaponry

What You Can Say - And What You Can't

January 22
by Amy

Did you know that you can’t say the word Penis in a public paper? Even if the word penis is used for biological purposes? Peter Farb wrote a review of The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris for the Trib’s Book World. Sure enough, because Farb is a biologist, he let the penis word slip. And the word slipped by editors and the Trib had to pull back all of those papers that had said PENIS in it. It cost them 100,000 dollars. All so people wouldn’t see the word PENIS over breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner.

A bunch of us tried to find the Penis Book Worlds before they were confiscated. We couldn’t find one. Maybe Coleman got lucky, since, knowing him, he was out doing the same thing. If I ask my Dad for one, he'll think I'm a pervert. Or maybe he'll just laugh. 

Talk about ridiculous... Before we can free our minds, we have to free our language.

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Evanston for the big student symposium. Everything is all prepared. White papers, mimeos, everything. For once, we're organized. I hope that's not an indication of bad things to come.

Source: A Naked Error

Turn Left Now

Tuesday, January 23
by Amy

The Symposium was exhausting. I don’t even know where to begin or how to recap it. I’ve been in the Movement for several years now and every now and then, I get too much of it. With more and more people coming in, I have to be careful not to appear cynical or tired. But I am. Sometimes, it just feels like no one is at the helm. Or the people at the helm are grabbing the wheel and yelling at each other.

“Turn Left! Turn Right!”

So we all jerk around, making twitchy turns and with no real purpose or direction.

I shouldn’t feel this way. It’s an election year and everyone’s going to care about that rather than the real issues.

This is where I agree with everyone else: The campaigns are a distraction. Whoever ends up wherever, it’s going to be the same thing. It doesn’t matter. The war will continue.

Isn’t it like that each year?

So in Evanston we all met. We listened to Andrew Young and Staughton Lynd, who is a great man. Mr. Young says that either we will change through nonviolent demonstrations or riots. It was his theme: Violating a person's life or property is wrong. But what about distruption?

The people coming to the Movement these days don’t have the nonviolent training. We’re expected to educate them on what nonviolence is, except that now, there’s a big discussion underway to change the definition. We’ve been talking about it here at the offices. What is nonviolent protest? What defines violence?

Working off of Coleman’s notes, you can see how the debate is continuing. He’s got this quote for Mr. Young: “We wouldn’t violate the life of a person or his property. But we would insist upon confronting that person and demanding justice by refusing to cooperate with him economically, by withdrawing our labor, our support politically, by any means that we can (to) disrupt his life in order to bring about justice.”

So what they’re looking at is disruption. “From Demonstration to Resistance” according to us. But what is demonstration? What is resistance? What is violence?

Source: Sick Nation

No Questions Asked

Wednesday, January 24
by Amy

Coleman and I fucked last night. It was a short angry pump and not the long, open sigh we’re both used to. I hate myself for doing it. We got into a long discussion about violence. He disagrees with me on just about everything. I’m not surprised. Over the past few months, since D.C., he’s been getting more and more unlike himself. It’s like a hit in the head changed him. He’s angrier. More strident. Any amount of questioning draws out the worst in him. I swear he’s going back to what he used to be.

I’m always questioning. He knows that. Questioning threatens him these days. It seems the threaten everyone. It’s not that I doubt the Movement, but I think its important that when greeted by violence that we don’t react back in violence. We can’t afford to lose ourselves.

Unfortunately, more and more rhetoric is about violence. It’s about people who wake up and discover that they live in a nightmare. The only way for people to change the system is to change themselves. And you can’t change yourself if you adopt the rules of the system.

We can’t afford to lose ourselves. It’s the only way we’re going to win.

Back to the Books

January 25
by Amy

I went back into our office files today and found Dave’s essay on nonviolence. He wrote it back in 1962.

One of the key points in the document is within the first two pages. “Nonviolence never calls for destroying an invader. It seeks to destroy his power to commit injustice, by using strikes, boycotts, civil disobedience and mass non-cooperation … Nonviolence is a method of love and looks forward to reconciliation based on adjustment of grievances through mutual respect rather than a selfish victory based on the power of one side to impose its will on the other.”

This is the problem with “militants” and its something we’re seeing more and more. People are using the Movement for their own ends, using it impose their will upon society. It worries me, but I feel like I’m the only one seeing it.

Coleman keeps telling me that soon, I’ll feel the same way as he does. I’ll become more militant as the things progress, because everyone is. But I’m not like everyone.

I wonder where we’ll all be a year from now.

Dresses

Friday, January 26
by Amy

I love my Father. I love that he’s hip and cool and works at the paper. I love that he’s gruff and cynical and stodgy.

My Mother is a balloon head, in more ways than I can count. She still wears puffy hair and doesn’t understand where I came from or why I think the way I do. The last time I saw her, she asked me if I was into girls. I told her that girls weren’t my thing, but I appreciated how much courage it took her to ask.

Her whole body relaxed. Her shoulders slumped back and then she asked me, “Well, then honey, why don’t you ever wear dresses then?”

I told her that I thought dresses made it easy for men to fuck me and I wasn’t easy.

It was the last time I talked to her. Whenever I see them now, she won’t look me in the eye. She turns her head if she has to say anything, as if I was across the room.

Suitable Introductions

January 27
by Amy

I think this would be a suitable introduction:

I became involved in the Movement in 1966, after meeting a new friend in our college commons. I used to be a student in Chicago, where I was studying childhood education. I hated it. I’m not sure why I chose that major. It was expected of me. I was bored.

Really what I wanted to do was be a journalist like my Dad. He’s a hard drinking, cynical son-of-a-bitch. You would know him if I told you my last name. That’s the reason I’m not telling you. Sons and daughters are always judged by their parents. It’s not right. I’m my own person.

My new friend certainly knew who my Dad was, and she wanted to meet him. They were trying to persuade him, to get him involved with their group. And they were using me to do it.

Normally, I would be upset by that. I’ve had people use me before, because my Dad is well-known and powerful. But those reasons were stupid. These reasons – world peace, fighting poverty, equality – are admirable and valid. I understood why they picked me to befriend. I knew I was targeted and that it was all pre-planned.

I attended a few of the meetings before becoming involved with a member of the group. His name was Jack. He was a leader, someone that the others looked up to. He held my hand, so to speak, during this time. Gradually, he courted me with literature and position papers and promises. The promise of a different society.

When I brought him home to meet my Dad, that’s when things got interesting…

Lemonade

January 28
by Amy

My Dad wasn’t impressed. He offered Jack some bourbon, which was turned down flat. The group was into weed, not  booze. But Jack looked past it and continued talking to him about world peace and equality. How the working man was being exploited by the system.

Dad looked up at Jack and asked him what experience he had as a working man. Jack said he didn’t, but that he came from a proletariat family. He asked Dad to consider the precepts and the way society is structured. My Dad thanked him for his time and showed him the door.

Jack and I left that night and went to Nimby’s, a nearby coffeehouse. Then we went back to his place and I spent the night. He didn’t ask me what my Dad might’ve thought about everything. What we believed stood on its own merit.

The next morning, I called my Dad. He told me that he thought Jack probably had good intentions, but that he’d seen it all before. The road was a dead end, and that if I was going to involve myself with people like that, I should probably know what I was getting into.

I asked him what he meant by that. He told me he wouldn’t talk about it over the phone.

Later on, he told me about how he became involved with a similar group back in his day. How he saw how the poor were getting poorer and the rich didn’t care. How the way you go about doing things is almost as important as the reason you’re doing them.

He asked me if I was sleeping with Jack. I’ve always had that kind of honesty with him, so I didn’t hesitate. I told him yes, but I’m not in love with him. I could tell that he wasn’t pleased about it. There wasn’t any yelling or anything. It was more like a grimace.

The group devolved into something uglier. I didn’t like the methods and didn’t like how I was being treated. It was around that time I met Coleman. He’s more of a friend than anything. He’s a writer with an underground rag, so he knows everybody.

He got me the job here at the offices. He introduced me to other people in the Movement. I drifted towards better scenes, without leaving a bad trail behind.

I don’t regret my time in the other group, since it wizened me up. I’d like to think that It made me more effective. I don’t have as much fear, and I’m not afraid to confront authority. It was good training, I think.

Sign of the Times

January 29
by Amy

“WAR IS NOT PEACE. TYRANNY IS NOT FREEDOM. HATE IS NOT LOVE. END THE WAR IN VIETNAM.”

They are the most beautiful signs I’ve seen yet. They’re from the Chicago Women for Peace and North Shore Women for Peace. Coleman and I went to see the new subway signs. They were put up yesterday. For almost three years, we’ve been fighting to get those signs up. The CTA wouldn’t allow the Movement to buy the space, so the ACLU took the case to court. Free speech. The CTA finally caved in.

It took a long time, but everyone was patient. Now there are 25 of them up around the city.

I love those groups. The women there are some of the coolest around. Sometimes I wonder why I work here, instead of there with them. I don’t know what it is, but sometimes I don’t like being a woman. I mean, it’s not like I have a choice.  I know that the Movement as a whole respects women. At least, I keep telling myself that.

Source

Not Much Time to Talk

January 30
by Amy

I’ve been pulled into the offices. We have a radio going on at all times, and there’s been lots of phone calls received. People are frantic over what’s happened. Lots of calls to organize and tons of people dropping by to rap about what we need to do. More signs, more people out there giving leaflets and talking about people. It’s important we go out on the streets. We have to stop this war… Now.

Coming Apart

January 31
by Amy

It’s so damn awful, just horrible. It makes my stomach turn. How anyone can look at the television and not be against the war is beyond my understanding. Dave says that this is our country in action. We keep waiting for the lies and for the newscasters to try and lull us into complacency. It’s not happening.

The radio is going constantly, and we have a sign that says, ‘NO ARGUING’ near it. That’s because too many people were shouting at it in disgust.

There’s a level of anger that makes me nervous. People are terrifyingly angry, if there is such a thing. I had to walk out for a smoke because I couldn’t handle the vibes. It’s just awful. I attempt to do the filing, answer the phones and type up statements and applications for demonstrations. But it’s impossible.

Too Busy to Write

February 1
by Amy

It’s still going on, still fighting. We’ve moved on several fronts ourselves. We are tired of the war. We’re tired of a system that fosters this crap. We have to quit exploiting the world. NOW.

Violence Seen

February 2
by Amy

Here’s a thought for you.  If you were a photographer about to witness an murder, and it was in your power to stop it. Would you shoot the picture or would you stop the murder?

We’ve had a discussion about it here today. Should violence be  on the front pages of the newspaper or does it contribute to the violence of society to actually show it?

Some people thought that running a picture like that appeals to man’s darker nature. I say, a society that is capable of such violence has an obligation to show the effects of it. Blood, brain splats  and murder. It should be seen in its entirety.

Now, over the next few days, we’ll understand the intention of running the picture. If they continue to show the victims of the violence; if they reveal the horror of the aftereffects, then we’ll know that running the picture was moral.

But, if the level of coverage drops and they go back to showing only the heroic side of war, then we’ll know that they are completely corrupt and phony.

Recommended Reading

Differences

February 3
by Amy

I’ve been given the task of tracking the ACLU draft resister case. My job is to be able to explain at the next meeting how they are defining civil disobedience. I have also been asked to draw up notes for others on redefining the term.

This is a problem for me because we all have to follow our consciences. In that case, I can’t put down a hard and fast rule. When I brought this up, they told me that it wasn’t about rules. I was merely to report on the national ACLU’s findings.

The thing to know about all this is that national ACLU and state ACLU are having terrible fits over what to do with resisters. They can’t figure it out.

National ACLU says that we have to persuade people to change laws, but not by violating those laws.

State ACLUs says that we are not under a national emergency so the draft is unconstitutional.

National ACLU then goes on to say that defining civil disobedience as “the willful, nonviolent and public violation of valid laws because the violator deems them to be unjust or because the violation will focus public attention on other injustices in society to which such laws may or may not be related.”

So what’s does it mean?

National only wants to cover civil disobedience as it relates to racism. It doesn’t want to contend with issues around the draft. It wants us to try and persuade people that the draft is wrong. Meanwhile, more and more are getting drafted and killed.

This is what worries me. Everyone is getting angrier and angrier. The more we try and persuade people, the more entrenched they become. No one likes to admit that they’re wrong. It’s an act of humility, at the very least. It usually takes a traumatic event to make someone see a different way.

So now what are we supposed to do?

Source Notes: Differences of Opinion

Fluidity and Fear

February 4
by Amy

Our positions are fluid. My work within the Movement – literally the place I go to everyday – is different. Some days I am asked to monitor the media. Sometimes I make transportation arrangements for Dave or Tom or others. I’ve been known to type on occasion, but I stink at it. To get out of typing, I usually find one of the other girls in the office and trade jobs.

Today it was Leslie. When Leslie first started showing up, people thought she was a narc. She was shy, mostly, so she didn’t talk all that much. I might have been the first person she spoke with on a personal level and I think that was mostly because I’m persistent.

I learned that Leslie took part in a number of actions last year. Her last one was at the induction center two months ago. We were doing a holiday themed action, which turned rather ugly.

One of the guys dressed up as Santa Claus. We stationed Mr. Claus near the front entrance, so he would block draftees from entering the building. The police were called, of course. They arrived, as did the media. Santa put on quite a show that day, being dragged off by four cops. Photographers were there – it was quite the scene. I loved it.

The coverage of that event was far and wide. Brilliant. How many kids woke up to a front page of Santa being hauled off to prison?

Anyway, we laughed at the ingenuity and brilliance of the scene. And some of us got arrested. One of which was Leslie.

Since that experience, she’s a little afraid of actions. I can understand backing away and all. Putting her strengths into background work. She told me today that she feels guilty about being afraid.

If being out on the streets isn’t your thing, then you shouldn’t do it. That’s what I told her. Or maybe she could face her fear about being arrested.

Luck

February 5
by Amy

Yes, I’ve been arrested before. There’s really nothing to it. Sometimes, all you have to do is step off a curb during an action and you get hauled off. It depends on the cop, the mood of the crowd and all other sorts of sundry elements.

One time I walked with Coleman during an action and a cop actually tailed us for 7 blocks. We tried losing him at one point. But every time we turned around there was the same guy, undercover of course. Coleman finally turned around and asked the guy what he wanted.

“Hey you lousy mother… Are you trying to hit on me or something? I got my girl here, get lost.”

It was the only time I ever allowed Coleman to call me his girl. But I’m not his girl, so don’t go thinking I am.

Coleman was arrested that day. For some reason, I got left behind.

Daddy's Daughter

February 6
by Amy

When I’ve been arrested within the Chicago city limits, I’m treated differently because my Father is who he is. Being the daughter of a well-known journalist has its “perks”, although I don’t want any of them.

The cops put me off to the side, away from the others and then call my Father to pick me up. The charges get dropped and my Father swings by with an offer to go out to dinner and maybe a drink. We get home late and slightly buzzed. He doesn’t get upset. In fact, I think he’s secretly proud of me.

But I didn’t want to be the daughter of that kind of privilege. It’s not fair. It also takes away from the point that I’m trying to make, which is this: There are some values and ideas that are worth getting into trouble over.

I spoke with Dave about how I can’t get arrested in the Chicago city limits. We’ve decided to take a different approach. Since my Father works at the newspaper and I’m the daughter of a well-known journalist, then we could use all of that to our advantage. Turn a weakness into a strength.

It’s a complicated way of looking at things. If I can take my role in society – being my father’s daughter – and use it to shine a spotlight on the war, then that’s my duty. My dharma, as they say.

I have a difficult time accepting it. I don’t like setting myself apart from anyone. I don’t even want to acknowledge that I am who I am. I look at someone like Leslie, who is just a regular person. It seems that who we are shouldn’t matter. My voice should be equal to Leslie’s voice.

So yes, I’ve been arrested before. But never detained like the others.

There’s an action this Friday night at the induction center. I’m going to be there, again. Maybe I’ll get Leslie and Coleman to come.

Suspicion

February 7
by Amy

The summer is going to be a bitch here in Chicago. A riot they think.  I don’t feel it, yet. Barring anything traumatic this year, I think it might be a whole lot like last year… Lots of expectations with no real changes.

This afternoon, a friend told me that she suspects someone here works for the feds. I hate that kind of insidious paranoia. I told her to stifle herself. We don’t need that type of talk here, but she was adamant. Something about some files missing. Again, that doesn’t mean anything because files go missing all the time. The space between Rennie’s desk, the filing cabinet and our bookcase is a Bermuda Triangle of paperwork. We’re not that organized where we can determine with any certainty that something is missing. Our filing system is non-existent.

The person who told me, and who asked me not to tell anyone – or at least not to use her name if I did tell anyone… That person told me that there were other indications that we have at least one fed here. I asked her why she thought that, but she wouldn’t elaborate.

“Tell you later.”

Right. And now, I’m completely on edge. She’s gone and I don’t feel like I can bring it up with anyone else. No one.

Rapping on Rapping

February 9
by Amy

I think I got it mixed up because the Induction Center event is tonight, not tomorrow night. I think I thought it was tomorrow night for some reason. I've spent the past few days thinking that today was actually tomorrow. Such has been the week.

Leslie might go. Coleman is definitely going. A few others from the group are going. There appears to be a mass consciousness thing that sometimes happens. Everyone is in agreement. We have to go tonight. There's excitement in the air about it.

Aside from the Spock thing, I'm going to start working on a position paper next week about the conventions. There's a core group of us, including Leslie... Five of us total... Which put together a statement by the group as to what we should do during the summer. I'm really excited about it. I feel like I've been lost over the past few weeks, smatterings here and there of different jobs... Keep your eye on this, get a consensus on that... I think the winter doldrums have hit most of us.

I suppose it's natural, after the success of last Fall, that things would ease off for a bit. Some of us didn't know what to do with it, I guess.

There's a certain dynamic I've noticed in my time in the Movement that loves the status of outsider. It's the difference between my earlier experiences in the Movement and what it's like now. Earlier, in that small group, they took a lot of pride in being outsiders, in knowing more than the "average person." They had a kind of group pride about it. They liked to think of themselves as being the common man, but you can't be a person among people and preach to them at the same time.

That's where the concept of rapping came from. Like, the time when my former friend came to talk to my Dad about philosophy. He didn't meet him on common ground. He wanted to preach to him, to tell him that his way of life and all that he stood for was wrong.

Now, when I talk to my Dad about politics, we talk like we're equals. He doesn't patronize me by stooping down to listen. Instead, we have an exchange. We meet eye to eye and talk about our observations.

I suspect that's what happens when rap sessions go wrong. No one wants to be preached at. Instead, it's got to be a simple thing, like this: "Hey, have you noticed that... is happening?" Let people come to their own conclusions. That kind of thing.

It'll be good to go tonight. Hope I see a few others I know. I don't plan on telling Coleman about the paper. He's been asking a lot of pesky questions lately. It's easy to forget that he's a journalist as well.

Inductions

Around 4 o’clock last night we went down to the Induction Center. There was already a big crowd of people there. Seems like lots of people from all the various tribes were there. Someone from the Clergy and Layman group spoke about pacifism. We joined hands for a while and concentrated on releasing the negativity and military-like energy from the building. Then we started chanting.

Coleman came up to me and asked me why I was hanging out with Leslie. I told him I didn’t want to deal with him right then, but I would be more than happy to talk about it later. Leslie, for the record, didn’t show up. It doesn’t upset me that she didn’t, since it’s her thing. Again, if she’s too afraid to be arrested or whatever, I understand. Others should as well.

I swear that’s why people are pissed at her.

Anyway, the chanting got under the skin of the murderers in the building so they sent the cops after us.

Since we were gathered around the building, it was fairly easy to gather around us. Encircled by a ring of Chicago’s finest, we did the only logical thing. We sat on the pavement. Yes, it’s winter and damn cold. And we waited to be arrested.

But we weren’t.

Instead, the cops dragged people out into the middle of the busy streets and left them there. So people had no other choice then to get up or be run over by Friday evening traffic. Only those people who resisted being dragged into the busy street were arrested.

So the traffic was all backed up. I’m sure the Bob Smiths of the world were pleased to be late for their weekend martinis. People yelling out the window “Long-haired fucking freak” is par for the course, so it doesn’t deserve special mention.

Coleman and I ended up back at NIMBYS, where they were featuring an Evanston folk singer. More people were there who we knew, so we didn’t talk about anything else for the rest of the night. Nothing of any significance anyway.

Join the discussion of books from the period:
Looking Back: A Chronicle of Growing Up Old in the Sixties by Joyce Maynard

What is He Thinking?

February 12
by Amy

We have this picture taped to our bathroom wall. Last week, someone wrote in a big red marker:

What is he thinking?

All week, we’ve been trying to come up with clever responses. Everyone has been encouraged to add to the list.

But I can’t bring myself to write anything. At the risk of being called a sympathizer, I think he looks old here. Old and frail. Almost sad, in a way. Like he knows he’s fighting a losing battle.

Something tells me that this will be the year we win. He knows it. I can’t help but feel sorry for him.

I wonder what it is in his life experience that makes him believe the things he does. People who crave that kind of power are terrified people. Who was the first lawbreaker in his life? Who is he still fighting? Why is it always about fighting someone?

Does having all that power make him feel safe?

I can’t say anything about him. If you want to, that’s fine. Coleman will say I’m too sanctimonious, but I think he deserves pity more than anything else.

Come Together

February 13
by Amy

I'm excited. Things are starting to come together for spring. Finally.

The tentative schedule thus far:

March 22-24 - National Conference
April 3 - Day of Resistance
April 21-30 SDS Ten Days of Resistance

We got word of Ten Days last week, but now we're fitting it in with the rest of the schedule.

There's been plenty of buzzing on Dearborn about all of this. Remember the group from last week? They now call us the "Core Committee." Core consists of five of us, including Dave by telephone. It will go out under the usual two names. I'm taking notes and Leslie will be coordinating the production of a paper, once everything is written. We're unusually organized, and I fully expect that everything will change ten minutes from now.

We're not allowed to speak to anyone about what we're doing. The reason is that they want consensus. They don't want the appearance of leading anyone, per se. So, it's like this: "Here's what I think. What do you think?" rather than, "Here's what we recommend and I'm going to persuade you I'm right."

Even those of us who are involved with taking notes or coordinating production are asked for our thoughts.

It's not unusual to see intense discussions by the mimeo, especially between the two main authors.

We all agree that this is one of the most important years in American history. So far, that's all Core has agreed upon.

Doubt

February 17
by Amy

Now it comes out. McCarthy, the “anti-war” candidate thinks that the government should draft high school boys. When all those McCarthy-ites find out that they’ve been duped… There will be hell to pay.

I have a terrible feeling about the future. It’s a foreboding, that things aren’t right. They haven’t been right for a long time. If they were right, maybe I would be a housewife.

Instead, I’m a 23-year old woman who hangs out at an office putting together speeches, research, typing applications and making calls. I don’t mind my life now. I feel powerful, on occasion. Sometimes I feel powerless. Always, it’s in relation to the world situation. What I read on the news, what I hear from others.

I have been plagued with the blues over the past few days. I tried to deny it to Coleman, but he can see right through me. He tells me to remember that its only the whole world we’re talking about. Then he laughs.

It’s just that, I wish I had Dave’s wisdom and experience, or Tom’s mind, or Rennie’s ability to mobilize, or Coleman’s ability to relate to people. I wish I had Leslie’s ability to quietly go about her business. If someone tells her what to do, she’ll do it. It doesn’t matter what it is. She’s able to put it together. I feel like I don’t bring anything.

I wish I had more wisdom, an ability to take elements and put them together in a different way. In a way that wake more people up.

Community

February 18
by Amy

What is your vision of the world? How do you see the world now and how you would like it to be?

Starting last week, we’ve been challenging each other to daily questions. This first started as a Core Committee project, but everyone is invited to answer. Whoever made up this question cheated because it’s actually three questions. But there are no rules, and we don’t have to answer any questions. No one is obligated. 

These three questions have quite a few of us stumped. The word that jumps out the most is “your” which implies singular – not group.

You. Even though we strive for individuality, I’m well aware that we have problems with the mob mentality. Even now, as I’m writing this, I keep using the word “we.” It is always “we.” How are WE changing things? What are WE going to do about the draft? When are WE going to have another action at the park?

I like the WE part of the Movement. Life is harder right now. Death and war and people being arrested for God-knows-what. People are making decisions today that will affect everyone around them. Once you become a felon, you can’t go back. Prison follows you around forever. It affects your family, your friends, your community. “We” are all connected.

So who am I to have a vision without talking about it with everyone first? Having a vision, and then telling everyone to fit into it reeks of a dictatorship.

But then I went out for a smoke for a little while and decided that not allowing an individual to have a vision is just as bad as living under a dictatorship. We all have visions. So maybe the best vision to have is a vision that allows everyone to not only have a vision, but to live it out in the best possible way.

I answered two of the three questions with that last paragraph, so onto the third. How I see the world now… I see it as a very difficult place where no one is allowed to live their vision. I see men going off to a war they don’t support. I see people who can’t get jobs; who are told that they are too lazy or too uneducated… When in fact, they have the skills and desire to do the job, they’re just not given the opportunity. I see people who are trapped in a broken system, and the system is very broken.

A system that only works for a few people doesn’t work at all.

It’s a grim picture, the way things are now. My vision, then, is for everyone to be allowed to live their vision. Which is the way its supposed to be.

Enough paranoia

Leslie asked me what I was writing. There was a moment when I considered not saying anything. Research, maybe? I’m making a list of things to do. No.

I could’ve said that I was writing in my diary. Instead, I told her that I was keeping a record. I’m a record-keeper. Diaries can be stolen. Records are filed.

It’s about respect. Records are respected. Diaries are silly.

So I told her I was keeping a record of thoughts. She asked if it was official. I asked her if anything was official.

Then she finally got to the point: Are you writing about me? I asked her if it was alright that I write about her. She said no, unless I changed her name. Because my record could be found, or stolen, or used against her.

Leslie will now be called Lesley, with a Y.

My name will remain the same. And God strike me down if I ever become as paranoid as Lesley.

Communes

February 24
by Amy

Lesley and I have been challenging each other. I’d like her to be less afraid. She would like me to move out of my apartment.

I guess I should explain. Lesley lives with a group. I told her that I didn’t mind living in a community. I did it a year and a half ago when I was with that other group. We all lived together for a short time, until I found out they were assholes. She tells me that living in a group is a way to put my principles into practice. I tell her that I am already living my values and that I don’t need to live in a group to do it.

She thinks that this is some kind of dissonance. I can’t talk about community without living in community. Again, she doesn’t get it. I do live in a community. They're just not in my apartment.

Communal living is fine for extended actions. It suits some people. It doesn’t suit me at this point in my life. What is there to understand?

As far as her problems, I know she’s afraid. I’m afraid too. But I’m not as afraid as she is. She’s got some honest to goodness paranoia in her head. It makes me wonder what else is going on with her.

Sunday Morning

February 25
by Amy

Coleman dropped by my pad today to remind me that the draft is still going on. I told him something to the effect of “no shit.” He asked me what I was working on. I told him that I’m still tracking the Spock trial, as always. I decided not to tell him anything else. I’m not being paranoid. I just have to remember that he’s a journalist. Even though he’s sympathetic, I can’t go blabbing all of our plans.

I decided not to worry too much about anything. Lately I’ve been so stressed that I wake up in the morning with clenched teeth. Not good. Every time I pick up the news, it gets worse.  Sometimes I don’t blame people for not wanting to hear about the war; not wanting any part of it. I understand it. Sometimes I don’t want to hear about it either.

Empathy

February 26
by Amy

When will spring arrive? I can’t wait, that’s why.

I’ve lived here all my life and I still can’t get use to the cold. I wouldn’t mind taking a road trip to California. Wish I knew someone out there.

Of course, there’s too much work to be done and I can’t find a legitimate reason to go out there. The bitter biting wind gets to me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the weather works for the government. Under the circumstances, it wouldn’t surprise me.

As Coleman told me yesterday, the big focus for many groups will be on the ever-changing draft laws. You could hear the collective gasp across America last week, as millions of American parents discovered how their children will become property of the US military.

It’s going to be a bitch for anyone to get a deferment. Anyone in his first year of college is screwed. Anyone not studying dentistry or medicine is screwed. All holes are screwed - shut.

There’s a part of me that says that people only rise up when they feel the effect of a disastrous policy. But that’s not true. We’ve proven that time and again, in Hattiesburg and St. Augustine. We are a compassionate people. We don’t like to see our neighbors suffering.

No one wants to see young people die. War is not a victimless crime.

Criticism Sessions

February 27
by Amy

Lesley and I had our criticism session today. This is where we tell each other how we could improve our work within the Movement. Lesley taught me about it. Her group does it every week.

First you tell the person what you appreciate about them. Then, you tell them what they could improve.

Lesley told me today that she appreciates how I’m able to go to demonstrations. But she thinks I should speak up more and make my opinions known. Because what I say makes sense but I often keep my thoughts to myself. I told her that I didn’t see myself as someone who could speak up at meetings. I do in a very limited way, but I was willing to change it if it helped.

For her part, I am glad that people like her are in the Movement because she is so very supportive. Lesley is someone who lives her values and her “living group” – the people she lives and hangs with – are an example of what the Movement can accomplish. I also told her that I hope she didn’t lose herself in the group. Sometimes Lesley fades into group settings. While the Movement is a group, it is also a group made up of individuals.

She thanked me for saying that. In the end, it looked like our problems were similar. We both feel like we should stay in the background. You know, get coffee, type letters, file and answer the phone. But we’re going to challenge each other to accomplish more than that, since we’re both capable of making stronger contributions.

Turning Point

February 28
by Amy

The President went to Dallas yesterday. He kept his trip a secret. It was the first time Johnson traveled to Dallas since John Kennedy was murdered. The paper said that he would be 200 yards from Dealey Plaza.

Who wants to hear Johnson speak? Why would anyone invite that man anywhere? And what did he tell the National Electric Cooperative Association?

He sees a turning point in the war.

We see a turning point in the war. For some reason, I don’t think these turning points are the same thing.

Vicious Foreboding

March 2
by Amy

I had lunch with Dad today. He took me to one of his favorite restaurants downtown. It’s one of those fancy lunch places where women get dressed up to eat. I wore a long, flowing skirt, which made me look like Lesley a bit. I would’ve worn pants for anyone else, but I didn’t want to embarrass Dad.

He took me out to talk about the war. It’s been troubling him lately, far more than it has in the past. I asked him if it was because we’re not doing well or if there was something else behind it. He thought for a moment, sighed a bit and said, “Yes.” Then we laughed.

Like everyone else, my Father loved President Kennedy. I asked him if he loved Kennedy or if he loved Kennedy’s energy. He said he loved the feeling of progress, and how we had a leader we could genuinely be proud of, unlike Eisenhower. Kennedy wasn’t old, stodgy or grey.

He doesn’t have a good feeling about the way things are going this year. There’s a recklessness in the air. He’s worried about riots and body counts and people getting killed on the streets in this country. He’s even worried about me, how I take part in protests. What if I get hurt?

He gave birth to a little girl, not a little boy. He doesn’t have to worry about the draft, but he still thinks that, at some point, they will come down hard on everyone. Maybe they’ll shut down the press or declare martial law. Something… Anything could happen to trigger it.

I told him that, in some countries, they shoot the press. Since he’s a journalist, maybe I should be equally as worried.

He told me that he’s never stood in the way of what I do. He’s been supportive all the way, even when he didn’t agree with it. It’s true, he’s a dream Dad. How my parents ever met is beyond me, since my Mother is so traditional.

I told him that I’m keeping a journal of things that happen around me. He said that it wasn’t a bad idea, considering that I might need it in court someday. Be sure to keep it in a safe place, so they don’t confiscate it.

We left the restaurant and went to NIMBYS for drinks. Nothing lifted his feeling of impending doom; the feeling that things aren’t going to get any easier.

An Interview with Roger Armbrust, Part 1

Foreboding - Does It Ever Go Away?

March 3
by Amy

Dad’s conversation is clouding my mood. He’s a journalist, so he knows what’s going on in the world. He knows all the things that make it into the paper, and all the things that don’t. I’ve never understood how they select stories to print. How do you determine what’s important to people? I don’t think you can do it without patronizing them. That’s something I’ve never questioned before.

Dad wouldn’t tell me what’s gotten him down so much, other than the “foreboding” as he calls it. I, too, have a feeling that things aren’t going to go well this year. I’ve heard about the riot preparations. I can feel the anger on the streets. It’s not just anger, it’s pure rage.

I don’t have my Father’s pit of the stomach pain. The dull ache that he describes. I have hope that if enough people see a new way, then things will turn around. Trouble is just a street sign telling you to go in a new direction.

I like that. I think I’ll make that a sign for the next action.

An interview with Roger Armbrust, Part 2

Good News/Bad News

March 4
by Amy

I’ve begun to look at war coverage as being a good news/bad news thing. People really have to look between the lines to get the real story. Let’s take, for example, at this Associated Press article.

It begins: “U.S. Marines and air cavalry-men smashed into Communist troops Sunday in a series of battles in the northern sector of South Vietnam and reported killing nearly 300 of the enemy. U.S. losses were light, military spokesmen said.”

That gives you the feeling that things are going well. But are they?

Next paragraph: “Other U.S. troops suffered heavy losses in an ambush nine miles north of Saigon. The U.S. Command said a force of 200 Communists killed 48 Americans and wounded 28, most of them in the first eight minutes of the machine-gun attack.”

Light losses? Not in the second paragraph.

The article is misleading. I’ve ripped it out of the paper. Maybe when my Father is in a better mood, we can hash it out.

The Headlines for the Day, including source notes.

Interview with Roger Armbrust, Part Three

Intent to Riot

March 5
by Amy

At our Core meeting today, we talked about a rider that is going to screw us to no end. Senators wanted to make it a federal crime to travel from one state to another with intent to incite a riot. It would also be a crime to use radio, television or “interstate facilities” (whatever that is) with intent to incite a riot.

Clearly, this is being used against activists like Tom and others. Organizers will not be allowed to travel to give speeches or distribute literature. Anyone could be caught in a dragnet because how could anyone define intent? If Coleman’s articles were picked up in New York, for instance, he could be charged.

The worst part is that they attached this lovely gem to a bill that is meant to protect civil rights activists. The bill itself would make it a federal crime to threaten someone’s civil rights.

Who wrote the rider? Strom Thurmond, of course.

Maybe my Father was right. They’re going to throw us all jail before the year is out.

The Headlines for the Day, including source notes.

Kerner and Racism

The Kerner Commission report was released almost a week ago and the newspapers have little to say about it. Since government reports like that are for the masses, we all figured that it would probably dismiss the real issues in favor of something far more comforting. I know there are many good people in government, but I also know that those people go back to their safe and secure neighborhoods where they're certain not to be stopped or hassled by the cops.

Coleman wants to write a piece about it. He's impressed with the report and thinks the rest of us are too damn cynical. I haven't read it, yet, but I'm astonished that something like this needs to be studied to begin with. Riots happen for a reason. When people get angry and desperate and their backs are up against the wall, bad shit happens. I don't know why this needed to be studied. Is there anybody out there who doesn't think racism exists?

The word is that more riots will happen. Winter is a simmering season. I don't know what could stop it.
Maybe Dad knew this was coming. He always gets a physical ache before something terrible occurs. I get it too, but I've learned to ignore it.

I guess I should take a closer look at it. Maybe I am too damn cynical.

Racism Entrenched

March 9
by Amy

I’ve never been in a riot before. I have, however, been caught in the middle of a rough protest. But that doesn’t give me the sense of what being in a riot is like.

I’ve gotten an easy pass with the police. I know that. I don’t know what it’s like to be thrown in jail; to wait a long time to get a hearing before a judge. I don’t know what that’s like.

It’s hard to remember nine months ago, when the summer boiled over and riots were constant. I remember wondering why, if it is so predictable, then why couldn’t anyone do anything to stop it?

I also remember how the ghettos were destined to explode. When that finally happened, the people in the ghettos would be blamed for results.

I also remember not knowing what to do. Just like everyone else, I suppose.

I remember wondering if Chicago would suffer a similar fate. It seems only logical. There was Division Street the year before. Daley only plays to certain constituents. People outside of Chicago don’t even know what happened. I guess Daley prefers it that way.

I’m still reading the Kerner Report. There’s plenty of strong language in it. Coleman is right, it’s surprising how hard they’ve come down on White America.

But now that the problem has been officially named, will anything be done about it? I think this is one of those times when citizens have to change. Government programs will only go so far. But if White America doesn’t change, nothing will.

Violence

March 12, 1968
by Amy

I’m in the middle of reserving buses for the conference. The people who are coming will show up at a designated meeting place. Buses will pick them up and bring them to the retreat area.

They won’t know the location of the retreat area beforehand. Secrecy is important. We’re figuring out what we’re going to do for the next six months. We don’t want interference from others. We don’t want to be derailed before we make decisions. All options need to be discussed.

I have a paper sitting on my desk right now that lists our options. I’m supposed to proof it in the next few days. Still haven’t gotten through the Kerner Report, the damn thing is too long.

My initial reaction is this: If it wasn’t for people like us, the government wouldn’t change anything. Ripping apart a neighborhood doesn’t change anything.

The problem that I see for the conference is that there are people in the Movement who think that the riots are succeeding. If last summer didn’t happen, the Kerner Report wouldn’t have been released.

My argument is this: Change will come in a number of ways, but the backlash occurs when violence is involved. One step forward, three steps back when riots are involved.

The McCarthy Problem

March 13
by Amy

We didn't realize how much of a problem McCarthy was until we woke up to the headlines today.

His supposed "win" in New Hampshire is good and bad. Good in the sense that it puts people on notice that there's more of us than they realize. It's bad because even if McCarthy wins, nothing will change.

The problem is that he's going to suck people into his campaign. They're dupes and when they realize that they've been tricked- and they will at some point- then they're going to be pissed.

Bea, our office manager, thinks that we should reach out to them. I think we should as well, though I'm skeptical if they'll join us. If we talk to them right now, they'll think we're a bunch of downers.

The Post and others have called us to see if we'll endorse McCarthy. Idiots. I just got through typing up a release that says, "We don't support anyone."

Undoubtedly this will be a topic on our conference agenda.

Meanwhile, Coleman wants to come to the conference. I told him that it was highly doubtful I could get him in since the invitations have already gone out. The secrecy alone makes it ludicrous to ask anyone if Coleman can come. He might work for a radical newspaper, but he's still press. We don't want to air dirty laundry and disagreements.

I don't even feel like I can approach anyone else with this. Coleman keeps hanging it over my head. "But I got you the job, baby. Can't you at least do this for me?" So I'm in a quandry over it. It's true, he did get me the job. So I feel like I owe him. But if I ask, will people think that I'm not serious about our work?

I'm going to try to hold him off right now. It'll be hard because he's always here, always snooping and looking for a good story. He's aggressive, I'll give him that.

This is what I'm going to tell him: I'm waiting for the right time to ask. And I'll just keep putting it off.

Freedom of Thought

March 17, 1968
by Amy

Coleman is being a regular pain in the ass. I don’t know what to make of it. Instead of approaching me about going to the conference, he’s now trying to get Lesley to get him in. The worst part? He’s hitting on her while doing it.

I saw him in the corner with her, grabbing her hand and whispering. She giggled a bit and pulled away when she saw me staring at her. Then he had the nerve to try and talk to me after he pulled that shit.

He says that it’s not fair that we’re excluding press. He’s a part of the Movement too, and keeping him out isn’t fair. I think it’s perfectly fair. We have a right to talk about options without worrying about being “reported on.” I know that goes against what my Father taught me, but it’s true.

Lesley came over to me to ask if I was upset with her. Of course I’m not angry. It’s not her fault Coleman is that way.

The Word

March 18, 1968
by Amy

I got word today that starting at the conference, I will be working closely with an organizer I’ll call “Glasses.” More later…

More on Glasses

March 19, 1968
by Amy

Glasses is an organizer. He’s been in the Movement for a number of years now. Central to the organization, he’s sort of like the hub of a wheel. Everything revolves around him. He’s aware of every aspect of everything going on.

I asked him why he wanted me for this job and he said that he trusted me. It looks like things will get busy over the next few months and he needs me to help him “deal with the paperwork.”

He wondered aloud what my relationship is with my Father. I thought, oh great, he’s going to work with me because I’m my Father’s Daughter. As it turns out, he wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t be afraid of embarrassing my Dad. I told him that my Father may not agree with everything, he’s begun to see things our way. I also told him that I have a hell of a time getting arrested in this town.

Glasses laughed. At long last, someone who can’t get arrested.

Kennedy versus McCarthy

March 20, 1968
by Amy

Don’t ask me how I feel about Kennedy. I’m tired of people asking me about it.

A week ago I would’ve told you that I don’t care about the election. That none of these people represent our interests.

I feel differently about Kennedy. I think he does care. And yes, it surprises me that I feel that way. I hate his privilege, but he can’t help where and when he was born. In a way, I respect him. I think if he wasn’t who he is, then he might be one of us.

I’d like to be cynical about it, but I can’t bring myself to feel that way. I even admire how he waited for McCarthy to open the field up for him. Call it opportunism, but if Kennedy did win, he’d change things. McCarthy is just another stuffed shirt, another college professor who needs to shut up.

God I hate McCarthy. He has no idea of what’s going on in the ghettoes. McCarthy is so ineffectual. I’m even willing to bet he’s a crappy poet.

Conferencing

March 23, 1968
by Amy

We arrived last night, having spent several hours traveling by bus. Camp Villa is a YMCA camp. Theoretically, it shouldn’t have taken us so long to get out here, but traffic was snarled. Seems that everyone wants to get out of Chicago for the weekend.

Outside of our makeshift cafeteria this morning, I saw Coleman. He bounced right up and put his arm around me. “You didn’t think they would keep me out, did you?”

Actually, I really thought they would. From what I understand he got a special pass with Glasses to come. That’s what he told me anyway. I have no reason to doubt him, but I have to admit that I’m a little shocked that he’s here.

Other than that, it’s nice to see people that I normally don’t get a chance to talk to – other than seeing them at an action. There are lots of different groups here – Peace Committee from New York, even Abbie and Jerry. It’s a bit like a family reunion, with all the fights and hugs.

When we finally did sit down to talk, there were all sorts of position papers floating around. The one that we worked on in Chicago ended up being the basis for much of the discussion today.

The first one on the table – and it’s been there for several hours – is what to do about the conventions. Our options are the following: confronting the conventions, local demonstrations or stay home during the conventions.

Glasses came up with a fourth option, which was pickets, teach-ins, leafletting.

I think what I like best about our paper is that we’re readily acknowledging that there’s a certain segment of the Movement that has grown more radicalized since October. None of us like it. I had no idea how many people were opposed to this radical element until today. Listening to the discussions makes me feel better about where the Movement is going.

The paper says, “On Disruption in Chicago: The campaign should not plan violence and disruption against the Democratic National Convention. It should be non-violence and legal. The right to rebellion is hardly exercised in an effective way by assembling 300,000 people to charge into 30,000 paratroopers… We must demonstrate the opposite, that the government is the real source of crackpot thinking and violence.”

Right on.

We’re having a bit of a problem getting the more radical element to agree to it. They would much rather stop the conventions instead of work alongside them. That’s what we’re up against.